Nov 18, 2018, 12:49 PM
Hiii. Well obviously I didn’t get back to you faster. My state being on fire is my excuse; which isn’t a very good excuse, since the smoke means I have been inside a lot and should have been better at email. But. The head is not in the game. We have had the worst air quality in the world or close to it for much of the last week, because of unrelenting fires … California is now always in a state of fire. Combination of factors, none of them promising.
Anyway, I like that our rhythms are erratic.
I just was shown a picture of a rattlesnake incinerated in the blaze: it died striking at the flames, and so is frozen in attack mode. I mean …
How long a walk is it to your studio?
When did the idea of gold first strike you?
What have you done/will you do with the gold hunting materials?
What is your wood work shop?
Did you listen to the owl men (whenever I put things on I never listen, which is one of the reasons I have trouble with podcasts. I suppose with that reason I don’t need another. I can surmount it but it takes a force of will)?
Does gold still interest you or has it served its purpose?
I’m responding to this email by reading through it and then picking out things to say and then still reading some more till I feel a little overwhelmed. I think maybe I said that already in a previous email. Speaking of repeating ourselves.
I think that I like to be enthusiastic and I like to be around people who make me feel enthusiastic. This increasingly seems like one way to avoid dying years before we are dead. I am enthusiastic about writing to you, and reading your writing to me. It feels like a form of being alive.
I’m not sure I have thought about enthusiasm and femaleness … can you say more? It makes me think about those studies in offices, how men lean back and women lean in. That does not make me feel enthusiastic.
I keep meaning to say that I am getting something like $300 to write whatever it will be that I will eventually write for CAS, and I am feeling more and more that I should split this with you, since I think so much of what I write will be our exchange (with you getting to see it beforehand of course). The other thing I am thinking is we could just publish the exchange without editing it (though I feel like I shouldn’t say that or even think it oops too late because it will shift how we write maybe …). Anyway. All of this is to say: it’s a small fee but we should split it. Maybe we can do something romantic/dumb with the proceeds.
Outdoor light conditions. Yesssss.
In Brooklyn there were lots of men who would have competitions with song birds. They were often recent immigrants, often seeming to me to be very macho in presentation, and they spent all this energy on these dainty, delicate, gorgeous little creatures. In cages. At one point I was going to do a story about it back when I worked as a reporter. But I never did. More men with birds.
I’m very interested in this: “As I’m a sucker for anything framed as a personal relationship, I figured I should try to broaden my (human) relationship perspective. This is some of my main research interest here, and I’m trying to figure out where I’ll go deeper into it.”
If you feel like saying more …
The unrequited but photocopied love letter made me smile for days. The handwriting is much more satisfying than the typing, I agree, and also the speed of it, the materiality, the choices (what stamp, what pen, what type of card) and the finality of those choices (particularly the words). Though I did used to have quite extensive email correspondences with people. I used to really get a bit obsessed with that sort of narcissistic exchange: you’re connecting but … fully in control of that connection, or if not fully … I dunno. At the end of the day you’re only staring at your hands and the words they make.
(I am trying not to edit these much at all; sorry about that. It might not be a good choice.)
Where are you standing now, with regard to Stavanger? I think smaller, a certain kind of smaller, is the key to things being big inside. I think that’s why the internet is such a soul killer: everything is available, and so one’s internal resources wither on the vine.
My cat is right now climbing onto the Wurlitzer piano, making a lovely little song. She has curled up right in its center, on top of the wool blanket covering it. I’m not sure what it is about that space. Cats.
I think the songbirds the men kept were not meant to be kept — not in the poetic way, but it was/is actually illegal.
Being in Norway, in Suldal, I had the experience of things being very small, and how big that smallness could make my thoughts, my actions. Morning coffee on the rock outside overlooking the lake or really high above the lake … it became an event. It was cold and wet and I was surrounded by sheep shit and it seemed like magic. I am thinking of the water falling down the sides of the rock faces, how the streams intensified after days of rain, what had looked at first like lines of white chalk or ribbons began to undulate, to become legible as falling water. For once my computer was not the internet, meaning my studio was not the internet, and I wrote 6000 words of the novel in three days.
We want human relationships, especially romantic ones, to do too much.
Love (if it’s not too forward),
clr