Poly Job

Participants

Psychotherapist Medina:

Medina works in private practice with individual clients, couples, triads, and other consensual relationship dynamics. She has not met with the partners before. She has a curious, calm and friendly approach..

“Thank you for letting me be a bit strict”.

Business developer Sheila:

Sheila works to boost the synergies in the collaboration, and believes in the benefit of physical meetings. She is tired of translating between the partners to ensure a common understanding.

“It’s incredibly demanding to get the ball rolling in one direction when everyone is pushing it in 90 different directions. It takes time. We need to agree on how we’re rolling the ball”.

“Creating a sense of safety, a space where we can be honest in meetings, requires that we actually see each other as human beings. That requires physical presence. Just working in the same room, even when it’s not a meeting, reminds you that you have a body, emotions, that you’re a whole person. I really hope that in the future, more emphasis will be put on people. We need relationships and trust to create collaborations that last”.

Municipality Representative Oda:

Oda has a strong sense of ownership of the collaboration, and is disheartened that not everyone feels the same way.

“Instead of being frustrated with each other, we could have leaned on each other and strengthened the whole project. But it’s like we haven’t managed to collaborate or follow up on what’s needed for the project to really deliver on its full potential”.

“On a micro level, there’s also the issue that not everyone in the project actually wants to be there”.

Architect Marit:

Marit expresses frustration that she doesn’t have the capacity to contribute to the project the way the others seem to expect.

“I agree that my company has been pretty peripheral in the project. There are several people in the project who have an incredible overview and understand all the mechanisms at play, while the rest of us, especially me, don’t really see the whole picture. We have to figure out for ourselves what we can contribute”.

“What we can do is turn information into physical form, something that happens physically in a place. A physical, aesthetic manifestation of what we’re working on”.

Researcher Espen:

Espen is working on his PhD on city development at the local university, while contributing to the collaboration. He is disappointed in the structure of the partners' collaboration.

“Institutionally, we’re not organized to do these kinds of things. If we’re told to collaborate more with another partner, we’re not given additional time or money for it. The people who actually want to collaborate with external partners constantly have to fight the system. You get worn down, and eventually you just change jobs”.

Developer’s sustainability consultant Eirik:

Eirik has been excited about the collaboration for a long time, but acknowledges an array of challenges.

“There’s a lot of talk about cross-sector collaboration, breaking down silos, matrix organization. But reporting and metrics still work the same way, so it’s actually rewarded to protect your own resources. It takes a lot of energy to be in this internal turf war when the system doesn’t actively support its stated intentions. We operate within established structures, so shouldn’t we mature structurally enough to provoke changes in those structures?”

Real estate developer Silje:

Silje is proud of her company’s dedication to sustainability within the development and construction industries. Her company is the main financial stakeholder in the project apart from the municipality and the EU. Silje was absent from the relationship therapy session.

Poly Job

Therapist Medina

Communication in different types of partnerships is a road to hell paved with good intentions. Most of us have good intentions when we enter these kinds of meetings. We also have a pretty good imagination, and we often make up stories about others that are actually mostly about ourselves. The exercise is to sit down and imagine one of the other partners who you find challenging to communicate with, or think is the biggest jerk in the world, or that makes you feel insecure. And then ask yourself: What is something specific that this person does when we interact that gets on my nerves? What happens inside of me when this person does this thing? What feelings arise? What kind of thoughts do I have about the other person? What kind of thoughts do I have about myself? What kind of thoughts do I have about this project, or our collaboration in general?

As an example: Let's say that Robert and I are having a meeting, and Robert keeps checking his phone while we're talking. It might make me feel insecure, or get on my nerves. I might feel a little tight in my stomach, and then rather than jump to conclusions, I get curious. Robert is checking his phone. I could think, “Robert typically has a lot of things he's trying to juggle. He’s probably checking when his child is going to soccer practice, or if his spouse is going to pick something up from the store”. He might think, “It's great that I can do this too, without it affecting our collaboration”.

What should I do when this happens? Do I say something sarcastic? Do I pull away? Neither? Question your judgement about this other person. Maybe you can find an understanding about yourself instead? What do you need from this person, and possibly the rest of this team, to be at your best in this collaboration?

Could we start with you, Sheila? If you're willing to throw yourself out there …

Business developer Sheila

I chose probably one of the most annoying people I know. What is it about this person that really annoys me? Maybe that they're such a “yes-person”? They always stumble in, unprepared, and not entirely present.

Therapist Medina

…and you get the feeling the person isn’t really present…

Business developer Sheila

And they say yes, a lot.

Therapist Medina

What happens to you then, when this person does that?

Business developer Sheila I feel invalidated and unimportant, and I get pissy and annoyed.

Therapist Medina

Is there anything you think this person could misunderstand about you? The pissy tone will likely be easy to misunderstand.

Business developer Sheila

The pissy tone is easy to misunderstand.

Therapist Medina

It is actually a bit well-intentioned to try to get them to focus, but then you end up in a situation where you look angry. What could you need from this person, or the others, to be at your best, and have a better attitude?

Business developer Sheila

Maybe some more dialogue and a better understanding of each other's situations. I don't know if empathy is the right word, but an understanding of other people's importance. That they're not just focusing on themselves.

Therapist Medina

Is there something this person could do differently that could give you the feeling that “you have empathy for me, or that you understand my situation?”

Business developer Sheila

More questions about how I am and my stance on things. A more open dialogue. Show some interest.

Therapist Medina

Oda, are you willing to jump in next?

Municipality representative Oda

I wrote a few things, actually. That the person shows, or exudes, distrust. That I, or we, are not doing this for the company or project's best interest. That makes me feel that I am not trusted, and that challenges my integrity.

Therapist Medina

What is it the person does? Is it a facial expression?

Municipality representative Oda Yeah, and they ask some frustrating questions. Like they're insinuating that I'm only here for personal gain. I feel irritated in settings like that. It eats my energy. It might be that I tend to think that person should have understood. He should have known what I meant. Should have known me well enough, but of course, not everyone does. And then I think that that person might have had some let downs or something, been tricked, something like that.

Therapist Medina

You also got a little curious?

Municipality representative Oda

Yeah, there’s always something behind it, but it does hurt, because it hits personally. I think that there’s a challenge in that as well. I’m not that good at communicating and selling the message. That might have something to do with me generally needing to be liked. So it hurts even more that I just … can’t do that. Then I think that means there’s some trust missing, and that can be a bit destructive – very destructive. So in order to compensate for that, I try to convince them with actions and execution.

Therapist Medina

So it ends up being a bit more action and effort?

Municipality representative Oda

Yeah, and it works to some degree. But I think that in a partnership or project, there needs to be some form of mutual belief that we all want what’s best for the project. And that should be the first step.

Therapist Medina

What is it that this person could do to make you feel that there is a common goal?

Municipality representative Oda

There’s no simple answer to that. But I’m kind of thinking … alignment. Get a clear mutual understanding of our goals. And that needs to happen a lot. Not just at the start and the end, but during the whole process. Because the understanding also changes, doesn’t it?

Therapist Medina

Is there anything this person might misunderstand about you?

Municipality representative Oda

Yeah, I think it could have something to do with people not knowing me. I can come off as quite bossy, which can make it look like I’m trying to enrich myself. I go all in, that’s just the way I am.

Therapist Medina

So that “all in” can be interpreted by others as a desire for personal gain … ?

Municipality representative Oda

Maybe, I don’t know.

Researcher Espen

If I pick the person who annoys me, it's not that they are rude… they’re friendly, but they just don’t respond. If I reach out, try to make contact, I get nothing. Or maybe I get an auto-reply message. “Busy, call you later”. Then they never do. I get irritated, frustrated, disheartened. It starts to feel meaningless. Why am I even here? If I let myself go there, I end up feeling tired and anxious. But I try not to. There's also this strong feeling that they think their time is more important than mine. That what I have to offer is not really valuable. And when I don’t get a reply... either I start chasing, or I just give up; “fine, whatever”. But I keep bouncing between those two. I also think they might misunderstand me. If we could just move forward, a little together, like that thing someone mentioned. Alignment. If people don’t really know me, it's easy for them to project things onto my role. What they think a researcher is.

I also appreciate when there are clear expectations. When, how and in what way are we expected to show up?

Therapist Medina

I wonder about that misunderstanding – is that something you do?

Researcher Espen

Yeah maybe... I think I can come across like I am whining. In lots of situations, I think I end up being that person who complains. But I see it as my job to ask questions, to challenge things. So it's not exactly a misunderstanding either. But it's probably not so nice to talk to someone who seems grumpy all the time.

Architect Marit

Yeah, that really got to me. But I kind of felt like I was on the other side of it. I wasn’t really thinking about one specific person, it was more like... the whole situation we’ve been in, with a bunch of people. Like, someone comes up and starts talking to me as if I already know exactly what they’re talking about with the project, and I just... don’t. I’m sitting there like, “Wait, what?” So I try to ask, “Okay, what do you mean?”

I can probably be kind of hard to deal with sometimes. Definitely more than I need to be. I’ll joke around or say something kind of vague, just to cover up that feeling of, “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.” And then afterwards I start worrying that they think I’m being arrogant, or that I don’t care. But really, I just don’t know what to say in that moment.

Therapist Medina

Is there anything else you think people might misunderstand about you?

Architect Marit

Yes… me being arrogant, not interested.

Therapist Medina

What do you need from this person, or in this situation, to be able to be at your best?

Architect Marit

One simple thing I try to remember is… if I’m not sure we’re totally on the same page, I need to start with a little “for dummies” version of whatever I’m about to say. Just a quick intro, you know? Especially if I’m not sure the other person, or even I, honestly, am as deep into it as the other person is.

Municipality representative Oda

It’s like a thing with this group that’s sitting here now… there’s been a history with who has been in the group, and a lot of new people coming in. And I am a part of this collaboration, but there is so much that happens outside the rest of the project, and a lot that happens on the inside. So if you’re asking what it is about people who make me feel unsure or get on my nerves, maybe it’s not exactly this group, but it’s more about stuff that makes me unsure. If people send mixed signals, and you’re not sure whether people are sincere about what they’re informing you on, and then I get very insecure and unsure if this is for the good of the project, for their own good, or even my own good.

Therapist Medina

Is it possible to say something a bit more specific of what might be giving you the mixed signals, without revealing more than you want to?

Municipality representative Oda

It might be like, you’ve had a meeting, and after that there are more meetings you weren’t involved in. And then you get different information in return. Then there have been decisions made without you knowing anything. So I guess that’s what makes me the most annoyed and infuriated.

Therapist Medina

And you already said that you are both irritated and a little insecure.

Municipality representative Oda

Yeah, and whether the intention is good or if the intention is to deceive you.

Therapist Medina

What happens to you when you get irritated and insecure and get the feeling of “Wait a second!” Am I being tricked? Can I not trust them?”

Municipality representative Oda

Tricked? Well, they’ve at least got different intentions than what they tell you. There’s a lack of mutual understanding.

Therapist Medina

Thank you! I like that you adjusted me there, because that was my word. Very good. About your reaction, what causes this reaction?

Municipality representative Oda

Maybe it's because I feel there’s a lack of trust both ways.

Therapist Medina

So what is something we could have done differently, do you think?

Municipality representative Oda

Probably some more openness and transparency.

Therapist Medina

And if it were to be put more concretely?

Municipality representative Oda

There could be better communication.

Therapist Medina

I'm pushing for concreteness.

PAUSE

Developers sustainability consultant Eirik Something that really gets to me is when people pretend – when they promise things and lie about it.

Therapist Medina

Can you be more specific?

Developers sustainability consultant Eirik

When someone says they’ve done something they haven’t, or says they’ll do something and then never follow through. That really gets to me. My pulse goes up – I feel it in my chest, I fidget, I get agitated.

I start thinking that that person is lazy, unreliable. I lose respect for them. And that, in turn, makes me feel kind of superior, like, “I’m better than that.” It’s not a nice feeling, but it’s really strong.

And what’s interesting for me, in this process, is that when that happens, I just want to pull the plug on the collaboration. I don’t want to deal with it. I’d rather find another way.

But in practice, I often avoid them, not socially, but in the work. I might bring other people in, cc others on emails, try to put pressure on them indirectly, make it visible without being direct.

And what they might misunderstand about me is that I’m happy and content. It’s kind of ironic because I’m pretending too. I avoid conflict; I don’t really want to be brutally honest. So maybe what both of us need is honesty – the real kind, the good and the bad.

Architect Marit

Maybe I wouldn't be saying this if that person's chair wasn't empty.

I really think of not delivering on the schedule we have all agreed on. I keep being the one who keeps nagging and nagging and nagging. Asking for things to be done. I really feel that’s a challenge. And at the same time, maybe it's just a bit like that in this field generally, because this always happens in these construction-building-development-projects. I feel very irritated and stressed in relation to that lack of respect for other people's time. This one person puts herself a little higher than the other partners. Being more important than the others, but still doesn’t do as much work as the others. What kind of thoughts do I have about myself? Am I the one misunderstanding? Or am I not communicating clearly? Is there something I have done to cause this person to behave this way? Am I the one who forgot or did something that I shouldn't have done? And my reaction is… weird. Maybe that causes a misunderstanding. That the task is instead passed on to me. When others procrastinate, I don't want to tackle it myself.

Therapist Medina

So the concretization could be that the partner could say, “now I am unsure whether this is my role or yours”?

Architect Marit

Well, I think it may seem that there are some who have their own ideas of what the priorities are.

Researcher Espen Something that really irritates me is when a partner disagrees with me, when we are fundamentally not aligned. Yet, we are supposed to collaborate! 

There is this one person who keeps interrupting others, and somehow manages instantly to get everyone's attention! And she does it again and again! In different meetings! With different people! And I am honestly impressed that she pulls it off every time. It really annoys me. I look around and think, are we seriously letting this happen? As a researcher, I find it fascinating, but I also lose focus on what she's actually saying. I end up in opposition, because I just don't think that we should behave like that. And I think it has to do with bringing power dynamics from other contexts into the project. I get a sense that she is used to being in charge, that she’s the one who should decide no matter what. That's the vibe I get.

Therapist Medina

I'm going to stop you right there. Do you have any more examples of what this person might misunderstand about you?

Researcher Espen

Honestly, no idea. I have a feeling she just doesn't see everyone in the room. I'm not sure. Maybe it's like Marit said earlier. I don’t bring it up, so she probably assumes everything is fine.

Therapist Medina

So the person thinks it's totally fine. Is there something that could be done differently, that would be positive? You can use examples.

Researcher Espen

Yes, don't bring in external power structures. Make an active effort to leave that outside. It may be naive, but at least it's an effort.

Something else that gets on my nerves is when partners assume we share the same goal, that we are all on the same page, without having discussed what that page actually is. That drives me mad. It irritates me. Then my reaction becomes very strategic and calculating, maybe even a bit manipulative, honestly.

Therapist Medina

What do you think about yourself, or about what the other person thinks about you, when they assume that agreement, or say “we blah, blah, blah”.

Researcher Espen

Hm… I don't know what to say. I actually don't know.

Therapist Medina

That's a good answer!

Researcher Espen

It's hard to know what others think. Too much stays unsaid. We don’t talk about it and we don’t create the space where it's okay to talk about it. That’s what I need more of. Openness. Space for real discussion. Because people say, 'We agree,' and I want to say, ‘NO WE DON’T’'. Let's talk about it instead of pretending that we agree. Otherwise it just creates confusion and mistrust .

Therapist Medina

Alright, let’s take a short break. When we come back, we’re going to do an exercise that originally comes from consent work. It’s also a communication practice, one that’s really about listening. Listening to what the other person is actually saying, and then reflecting it back by using their words. It’s a way to practice staying out of your own interpretation, or that habit of thinking about what you’re going to say next – which, honestly, we all do.

The original version of the consent exercise involves touch. I wasn’t sure if everyone here would be comfortable with that, so I’ve adapted it into a speaking exercise instead. That said, if anyone feels really inspired, you’re welcome to explore it physically as well. You can even do the classic version, which goes, “How would you like me to touch you for three minutes?” and, “How would you like to be touched by me for three minutes?” But for now, let’s take a quick bathroom and movement break.